Monday, April 28, 2014

Baby Dollars

So I just bought a house last November. After this idea was planted in my head a few years ago I realized that if I did ever follow it I did not want to raise a child exclusively in an apartment. I wanted to be able to provide a house with a backyard, neighborhood, school and overall community feel. So I started saving and in little over 18 months I had saved almost $14,000.

Most of that is gone between my down payment and some kitchen remodeling (plus $2500 charged interest free for new appliances, down to only about $1000 now!) so my goal has been to get back to saving. While at my apartment I would average saving around $800/mo, it has been a challenge being a home owner. I never budgeted before because I never needed to. Unfortunately since I didn't have a home before, I put a lot of money into cars and changed out every two years. Ugh. Regretting that now. My current car I've had now for almost 3 years and will have paid off by mid-to-late 2016. But that's not really the issue. Owning a home is not cheap! Between the increase in rent/mortgage, to the increase in electricity and now having to pay for water/trash/sewer, that's taking about 1/3 to 1/2 of what I was able to save before.

But every month it seems like it has been something else. My water heater quit working in December, January and February were pretty quiet, March brought a trip to Disney with  my best friends and their boy (he got a Make A Wish trip and they invited me... don't regret it one bit), April has been the absolute bitch. First, the hail storm that totaled my roof. Needs to be replaced. Second, I decided I wanted to re-do my flowerbeds. The front yard was in dire need of something but I got a little caught up in it all and didn't think out my vision. $800 later it looks amazing, but I'm (more) broke. And then this last weekend... I had my A/C serviced because I wanted to make sure I'd be good to go for the summer. When they installed the new unit (about 3 months before I bought the house) they soldered some piping too hot causing a cracked valve and ALL the refrigerant to leak out. Guess who has two thumbs and got to pay to fix that? This chick.

Guess who still has more? This chick. My sister is getting married this summer and of course it has to be a destination wedding. So guess who will be shelling out about $1500-$1800 to go watch her sister do something that would be free if she did it here. Sigh. I'm not resentful or anything. I'm happy for her. Really. I swear.

OK, so I'll work on that.

So I've started getting to the point now where I'm thinking of money amounts in terms of babies. My sister's wedding? That's 1-1.5 babies (what my research shows appoximately what IUI will cost here). My flowerbed? 3/4 of a baby. My damn roof? 4 babies.

I hate that I'm going backwards but I keep reminding myself that my luck has to turn sometime and that I have done a really good job of budgeting with everything else. Had I not been working really hard there, I'd be even worse off than I am now. But that being said, I am still disappointed that I seem to be getting farther away from my dream than closer to it for the time being.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Overwhelmed

I don't even know what to write about, just that I need to write.

Sometimes it is so overwhelming thinking of being a single mom.

First, let's just talk about actually getting pregnant. Everything I read seems very stressful with dates, times, symptoms, measurements, data, etc. I am by nature a very logical and organized person so it isn't that that specifically worries me. It's the emotions that connect to the whole process. One tiny, miniscule moment in time literally connects with everything I've ever wanted in life. That's not heavy or anything.

Second, let's talk about finances. I am a teacher. I work in a very affluent district and make good money for what I do. I am not rich but I'm not hurting either. I have the ability to make it (or my very scientific calculations of what all "it" encompasses) work on a month to month basis. This is more the whole fertility process. It's not cheap. And my insurance is crap. Ergo, I will be paying for it all.

Third, let's talk about the fact that no matter how much I want to be a mom, to be pregnant, to have a baby, that it may not happen. I would be willing to throw any and all of my money at making this happen. But that doesn't mean anything. I could spend my way into bankruptcy and still end up childless.

Fourth, let's say it all works out beautifully and one day in the hopefully very close future, I have a baby. Then Oh. My. God. Part of me feels so empowered by this choice. I have full confidence that I can do this on my own, but it's the fact that I won't have anyone for my child. At least with divorce they still have that parent. Even in death, they HAD that parent. My child will have a void. I am choosing to sacrifice that part of my child's identity for the sake of my own joy. It seems so hurtful to me. I don't want my child to hurt because of something I did.

But then I think about being handed a tiny, beautiful, squirmy little baby that is mine and it makes me willing to walk through fire to get it.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Just Missing Baby...

I'm starting this blog for me but I hope that someone out there finds it and through my words finds comfort in knowing they are not alone. I've done some searching and reading of many blogs out there and while there are many making the same decision as me, I have yet to find anyone with a similar story. This is for that person out there who needs these words just as much as me.

A little bit about me for that someone who may or may not be reading this blog right now. I'm 30, single, a teacher, Texan, an animal lover and a huge sports fan.

And a mother... just without a baby.

For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a mom. Not just playing with my dolls or wanting to be like my own mom, but I knew in my heart that it was just who I was. I was a mother. I never wanted anything else from life except that. And it never even occurred to me that anything would stand in my way of that.

But motherhood is something I will never step away from. About 3 years ago I could feel my mind and heart shifting to the possibility that I would never want to get married. So I began preparing myself for the possibility that motherhood for me may be destined to be something else.

I was so ashamed of even thinking about choosing that path for my life that I buried the thoughts and never spoke of them. It became a burden I carried around like a giant scarlet letter that I was sure everyone could see. I thought about it a lot. I even obsessed over it at times. But I never spoke a word about it. Until about 6 months ago. My 30th birthday was creeping up on me and I was so overwhelmed with my biological clock ticking that I confided in my counselor that this was something I was holding onto and that I couldn't keep it a secret any longer.

With the release of this secret came so much emotion. Even now as I write this post I am overwhelmed with the sheer volume of thoughts, feelings, fears, worries, etc that come with this "plan". 6 months later it is still just as frightening. But there is a huge difference between then and now. Then it was just a hypothetical. Something I had thought about but hadn't really decided upon. I could barely even talk about it. Now it's real. In my mind I know the decision has been made, but my brain is about 6 months ahead of my heart so I can't admit it yet. I can't fully commit. But it's coming.