Sunday, April 20, 2014

Just Missing Baby...

I'm starting this blog for me but I hope that someone out there finds it and through my words finds comfort in knowing they are not alone. I've done some searching and reading of many blogs out there and while there are many making the same decision as me, I have yet to find anyone with a similar story. This is for that person out there who needs these words just as much as me.

A little bit about me for that someone who may or may not be reading this blog right now. I'm 30, single, a teacher, Texan, an animal lover and a huge sports fan.

And a mother... just without a baby.

For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a mom. Not just playing with my dolls or wanting to be like my own mom, but I knew in my heart that it was just who I was. I was a mother. I never wanted anything else from life except that. And it never even occurred to me that anything would stand in my way of that.

But motherhood is something I will never step away from. About 3 years ago I could feel my mind and heart shifting to the possibility that I would never want to get married. So I began preparing myself for the possibility that motherhood for me may be destined to be something else.

I was so ashamed of even thinking about choosing that path for my life that I buried the thoughts and never spoke of them. It became a burden I carried around like a giant scarlet letter that I was sure everyone could see. I thought about it a lot. I even obsessed over it at times. But I never spoke a word about it. Until about 6 months ago. My 30th birthday was creeping up on me and I was so overwhelmed with my biological clock ticking that I confided in my counselor that this was something I was holding onto and that I couldn't keep it a secret any longer.

With the release of this secret came so much emotion. Even now as I write this post I am overwhelmed with the sheer volume of thoughts, feelings, fears, worries, etc that come with this "plan". 6 months later it is still just as frightening. But there is a huge difference between then and now. Then it was just a hypothetical. Something I had thought about but hadn't really decided upon. I could barely even talk about it. Now it's real. In my mind I know the decision has been made, but my brain is about 6 months ahead of my heart so I can't admit it yet. I can't fully commit. But it's coming.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Lisa, I came upon you your bog from a comment you left on another blog I follow.

    "I knew in my heart that it was just who I was. I was a mother. I never wanted anything else from life except that. And it never even occurred to me that anything would stand in my way of that." - I really identify with what you said so well.

    It's a brave choice to become a single parent. I had my daughter in 2011 through IUI. All the best to you as you embark on this adventure.

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  2. Hi there, I came across your blog because you commented on mine.
    I have no idea about your past and wouldn't even begin to guess nor pry you for answers. I hope your motherhood dream becomes a reality. I hope you find comfort in your writing as I have in mine. And I hope you find support

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