I don't even know what to write about, just that I need to write.
Sometimes it is so overwhelming thinking of being a single mom.
First, let's just talk about actually getting pregnant. Everything I read seems very stressful with dates, times, symptoms, measurements, data, etc. I am by nature a very logical and organized person so it isn't that that specifically worries me. It's the emotions that connect to the whole process. One tiny, miniscule moment in time literally connects with everything I've ever wanted in life. That's not heavy or anything.
Second, let's talk about finances. I am a teacher. I work in a very affluent district and make good money for what I do. I am not rich but I'm not hurting either. I have the ability to make it (or my very scientific calculations of what all "it" encompasses) work on a month to month basis. This is more the whole fertility process. It's not cheap. And my insurance is crap. Ergo, I will be paying for it all.
Third, let's talk about the fact that no matter how much I want to be a mom, to be pregnant, to have a baby, that it may not happen. I would be willing to throw any and all of my money at making this happen. But that doesn't mean anything. I could spend my way into bankruptcy and still end up childless.
Fourth, let's say it all works out beautifully and one day in the hopefully very close future, I have a baby. Then Oh. My. God. Part of me feels so empowered by this choice. I have full confidence that I can do this on my own, but it's the fact that I won't have anyone for my child. At least with divorce they still have that parent. Even in death, they HAD that parent. My child will have a void. I am choosing to sacrifice that part of my child's identity for the sake of my own joy. It seems so hurtful to me. I don't want my child to hurt because of something I did.
But then I think about being handed a tiny, beautiful, squirmy little baby that is mine and it makes me willing to walk through fire to get it.