Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Overwhelmed

I don't even know what to write about, just that I need to write.

Sometimes it is so overwhelming thinking of being a single mom.

First, let's just talk about actually getting pregnant. Everything I read seems very stressful with dates, times, symptoms, measurements, data, etc. I am by nature a very logical and organized person so it isn't that that specifically worries me. It's the emotions that connect to the whole process. One tiny, miniscule moment in time literally connects with everything I've ever wanted in life. That's not heavy or anything.

Second, let's talk about finances. I am a teacher. I work in a very affluent district and make good money for what I do. I am not rich but I'm not hurting either. I have the ability to make it (or my very scientific calculations of what all "it" encompasses) work on a month to month basis. This is more the whole fertility process. It's not cheap. And my insurance is crap. Ergo, I will be paying for it all.

Third, let's talk about the fact that no matter how much I want to be a mom, to be pregnant, to have a baby, that it may not happen. I would be willing to throw any and all of my money at making this happen. But that doesn't mean anything. I could spend my way into bankruptcy and still end up childless.

Fourth, let's say it all works out beautifully and one day in the hopefully very close future, I have a baby. Then Oh. My. God. Part of me feels so empowered by this choice. I have full confidence that I can do this on my own, but it's the fact that I won't have anyone for my child. At least with divorce they still have that parent. Even in death, they HAD that parent. My child will have a void. I am choosing to sacrifice that part of my child's identity for the sake of my own joy. It seems so hurtful to me. I don't want my child to hurt because of something I did.

But then I think about being handed a tiny, beautiful, squirmy little baby that is mine and it makes me willing to walk through fire to get it.

4 comments:

  1. Hey, thanks for following my blog! And welcome to blogging!! I just wanted to pass this blog on to you..She's a SINGLE MOM.. BY CHOICE.. OF TWO!! I say that to say.. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Check out her blog: http://shannonsrainbow.blogspot.com/

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  2. Welcome! I had my son via IVF 10 mo ago and would do it over again. Also had to pay mostly out of pocket. You're right, it is a daunting process, so I read blogs like crazy, went to a live support group for people in various stages - thinkers, tryers etc. It really propped my confidence. Sending my warm wishes!

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  3. I can certainly identify with your fears. I like to look at it from another angle tho...your child wouldn't exisit unless you made this brave choice & they will be grateful for the love you give them. I think kids just want to be loved & they'd rather be loved & adored by a mom who so deeply wanted them than not to be loved at all. You say you won't have anyone for your child but your child will have you & that's pretty awesome, I think! There's no guarantee they will be a void.

    As for identity, that is exactly why I chose an open ID donor, so that my daughter would know that I did that for her, gave her the opportunity to know that other half of her. Sure, it's not ideal like growing up with a 2nd parent, but it shows I didn't make this decision selfishly & was thinking of her even in the deciding stages.

    I think your future child(ren?) will be glad to have a mom who wanted them so badly & loves them with her whole heart.

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