Thursday, May 8, 2014

Emotional Intensity

It has been a crazy week for sure. Ever had to keep teenagers engaged in learning with only 4 weeks left til summer? Yeah, it's as fun and easy as it sounds.

Had to go to my OBGYN today to pick up a refund check that got lost in the mail the first time they attempted to mail it to me. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming but even though I didn't, I'm glad that today played out as it did. It has pushed me to think about some things in a different perspective.

An excerpt from an email I sent to my mentor tonight.

"I was a bit blindsided today going into Dr. Mac's office. I knew it was a bit ironic to be going so unexpectedly, but I didn't expect it to be emotional. I mean, I was in there all of like 60 seconds. But as I was walking out I got this overwhelmingly strong feeling, sort of like déjà vu, but more like whatever term there is for seeing in the future. I just felt in my heart that I would one day soon be walking out of those doors having just seen my son or daughter on a video screen. It is so wonderfully exciting but at the same time so unbelievably terrifying that the emotions just became too much that I just pushed it aside.

It has been so fun to think about so many aspects of this dream of mine coming true, but so often they are things that have emotions involved only as a secondary effect. Every now and then, the emotional side becomes the leader and it is insane how intense the feelings are. This was one of those times. It’s hard to stay in that moment and feel that intensity full on.

Never before have I had something in my life that has brought out so much emotion in me. I’m not used to feeling so much and so often. I feel like one giant nerve. I can talk about things that don’t call on the super emotional feelings but there are still things that I can’t even bring myself to say because just the thought of saying it brings me to tears. Gosh. When will that get easier?
Part of me is starting to understand how unbelievably huge of an emotional undertaking this whole motherhood thing is and that no matter how much talking and prepping and thinking I do about it, I will never reach this place of being fully prepared. There will always be some other feeling or worry to contest with. So trying to gauge when I’m ready to move forward by that factor seems pointless. It’s too fluid. I will forever be a work in progress in that area and realizing that has brought me some peace. It helps me to feel more free to listen to myself about when I’m ready as opposed to feeling like I have to follow this unwritten, non-existent emotional checklist of things before I can move forward."

1 comment:

  1. "no matter how much talking and prepping and thinking I do about it, I will never reach this place of being fully prepared" This is so true Lisa! Very wise of you. It sounds as though you are putting a lot of very good thought into this decision. Good for you.