Had to go to my OBGYN today to pick up a refund check that got lost in the mail the first time they attempted to mail it to me. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming but even though I didn't, I'm glad that today played out as it did. It has pushed me to think about some things in a different perspective.
An excerpt from an email I sent to my mentor tonight.
It has been so fun to think about so many aspects of this dream of mine coming true, but so often they are things that have emotions involved only as a secondary effect. Every now and then, the emotional side becomes the leader and it is insane how intense the feelings are. This was one of those times. It’s hard to stay in that moment and feel that intensity full on.
Never before have I had something in my life that has brought out so much emotion in me. I’m not used to feeling so much and so often. I feel like one giant nerve. I can talk about things that don’t call on the super emotional feelings but there are still things that I can’t even bring myself to say because just the thought of saying it brings me to tears. Gosh. When will that get easier?
Part of me is starting to understand how unbelievably huge of an emotional undertaking this whole motherhood thing is and that no matter how much talking and prepping and thinking I do about it, I will never reach this place of being fully prepared. There will always be some other feeling or worry to contest with. So trying to gauge when I’m ready to move forward by that factor seems pointless. It’s too fluid. I will forever be a work in progress in that area and realizing that has brought me some peace. It helps me to feel more free to listen to myself about when I’m ready as opposed to feeling like I have to follow this unwritten, non-existent emotional checklist of things before I can move forward."