Saturday, June 28, 2014

The "Talk"

I've been meaning to get back here and write for quite some time, but ever since I realized just how much planning I still needed to do and that my plan to jump in next summer just was not feasible/smart, my feelings have been turned down to simmer and it has been harder to tap into exactly where I'm at right now.

What I do know is that finances are my biggest obstacle at this point. I am still plugging away and saving every month but it's frustrating that something that I have almost no control over (my income; education is definitely not the ideal career for going the SMC route) is going to keep me from pursuing this for at least two years.

What I have been contemplating after talking to my mom and counselor is having the "talk" with my doctor. Right now she does not know that this is something I have thought a lot about and have basically decided for the next big step in my life. While she won't be the one who actually does any of the baby-making procedures, the hope is that she gets to do the baby-watching and then baby-delivering. So she will eventually be a big piece of this puzzle.

But I am quite honestly afraid to tell her. My fear of judgement is totally beating the crap out of the logic in this situation. I love my OBGYN. She is the perfect combination of kind, compassionate and caring. I cannot wait to get to the point where she can be part of my pregnancy and bring my child into this world. But right now this is basically a huge secret and telling secrets is not easy for me (is it for anyone?!). For me, I've held onto many secrets that just drowned me in shame. While I am not ashamed of this secret, I am fearful of being judged. While I know she will be nothing but gracious, supportive and professional, my worry is that somewhere in her mind she will be thinking "What is she thinking?! She can't do this! She's going to fail! She's going to mess up a kid!"

I have my annual coming up in about a month and I have to decide what I want. My whole reasoning for bringing it up now, even with everything being 2 years down the road is to ask about some blood tests/screening that can be done now to give me a better idea where I stand as far as my hormones and my own fertility health. I have no idea what to expect. If everything checks out great, then waiting two years and continuing down the smart path (financially) still seems like the best decision. If something comes up and I find out that there could be issues with getting pregnant, then that will change things. I will probably go the more "dangerous" route and throw caution to the wind and go ahead and start next summer, finances be damned. I'm still young (30). I actually have that going for me in this situation. I am not going to miss my chance because I waited too long to start. I'd rather be in debt and have my dream come true than have all the money I need and no dream. I'll find a way to make it all work.

So I'm working on finding my courage right now. Finding the right words to convey something that is so much more vulnerable than tossing my feet into stirrups and sliding down the table. That's a cake-walk compared to this. If anyone actually reads this, advice is so appreciated.