Friday, July 25, 2014

Head vs. Heart

How can you want something so much and also be so unsure of it all in the same breath?

My whole life all I've ever wanted to be was a mom. It makes my heart sing when I think about holding my own child in my arms and ache when I think it may not happen.

Then I also have this voice in my head telling me I'm selfish. I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. I will never be able to give the life that my child deserves. I'm not fit to raise a child. 

Then I think there are millions of people in this world who have gotten pregnant from one night stands or by boyfriends who then bail and what makes them deserve parenthood more than me?

I've always been a very sensitive, introspective and logical person. But this dream of mine is challenging me in ways I never thought possible. Logic is my normal go-to guy. Analyze the situation, determine what action makes sense. Done. But not here. My heart has lead this charge since day one so I am riddled with emotions and unable to use logic to steady myself. Instead logic seems to be my enemy here. Or is it the societal and family norms that have brainwashed me? Both?

My biggest hurdle as I continue to pursue this dream of mine is allowing myself permission to want what I want. My head and logic are still trying to fight for control here because they ALWAYS have control. Never once have I disregarded my head and gone 100% full blown, balls to the wall with my heart. 

Well, there's a first time for everything right?

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

One Small Step

Today was an emotional day. Probably the first of many on this journey of mine.

I decided a few weeks ago that at today's annual appointment I was going to talk to my OBGYN about my future plans. No action, just me sharing that this is something I am thinking about now and planning to act on in a couple years.

I had two plans. One was just to be very straight forward and leave the emotion out of it and the other was to allow myself to be a bit more vulnerable and include my feelings. I ended up going with the latter for a few reasons but mostly because I felt like I wanted her to see just how much this meant to me. Baring more of my soul I felt would give her a greater understanding of my decision.

God, I was so nervous. I have a panic disorder so having to wait in the room for 20 minutes going over in my head what I was going to say and the anticipation building with every passing second almost threw me over the edge. I got to a point where I didn't think I was going to be able to do it. But then I began asking myself "Why are you doing this?" and was able to find peace in my responses:

"You are doing this for you. You are doing this for your future."

"This will be one of many things on this path you are on that is going to be hard." 

"You cannot let your fear keep you from what you want. You do not want to live a life of regret."

Somehow I found the courage. I was open and honest about my lifelong dream to be a mom and my willingness to sacrifice just about anything to have that dream come true. I made it through without going into a full blown sob fest, just my typical leaky eyes.

I tried not to think too much about what her reaction would be because overall it's not important in the grand scheme of things (even though I ache to be validated with everything I do) and I did not want to be disappointed if I envisioned something and it turned out to be something else.

She listened to everything I had to say and let me know that I would be supported in her care. She was very gracious and understanding. We laughed over how she deals with all the babies and I deal with all the teenagers and how she has no clue how I do what I do. I, in turn, marvel at the fact that she brings life into the world. We talked about world travel, my next school year. Normal conversational stuff. She's so easy to talk to when it's not me baring my soul. However, I couldn't read her when I was doing just that. I'm pretty good at reading people but she's got a great poker face. I've only been going to her for 3 years but I really like her. I haven't had much time to get to know her nuances very well so I left a little unsure of the interaction. Again, I think that's rooted more in the fact that as much as I say it doesn't matter what other people think about my plan, that I still want to be understood and truly supported. Doctors are in a weird limbo where they support you from a medical standpoint but may not necessarily morally agree. That makes me uneasy.

Overall I am very proud of myself for doing this. I didn't let my fear win. I took one small step towards my dream. The first of many.