Friday, July 25, 2014

Head vs. Heart

How can you want something so much and also be so unsure of it all in the same breath?

My whole life all I've ever wanted to be was a mom. It makes my heart sing when I think about holding my own child in my arms and ache when I think it may not happen.

Then I also have this voice in my head telling me I'm selfish. I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. I will never be able to give the life that my child deserves. I'm not fit to raise a child. 

Then I think there are millions of people in this world who have gotten pregnant from one night stands or by boyfriends who then bail and what makes them deserve parenthood more than me?

I've always been a very sensitive, introspective and logical person. But this dream of mine is challenging me in ways I never thought possible. Logic is my normal go-to guy. Analyze the situation, determine what action makes sense. Done. But not here. My heart has lead this charge since day one so I am riddled with emotions and unable to use logic to steady myself. Instead logic seems to be my enemy here. Or is it the societal and family norms that have brainwashed me? Both?

My biggest hurdle as I continue to pursue this dream of mine is allowing myself permission to want what I want. My head and logic are still trying to fight for control here because they ALWAYS have control. Never once have I disregarded my head and gone 100% full blown, balls to the wall with my heart. 

Well, there's a first time for everything right?


3 comments:

  1. It makes no logical sense, but it's totally worth it. Even when knee-deep in poop, spit up and screaming baby, it's 100% worth it.

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  2. Before I got pregnant, I had the same feelings about not being able to give a baby the life he deserves. Truthfully, I sometimes feel guilty that Sidekick is being raised in a "non-traditional" family, but then I remind myself that there are so many different kinds of families, and we are just one of the many. I've always believed that if I am meant to be a SMC, then it would all work out. It's a decision not to take lightly. With no family in the same state, I had to have the confidence that I could do this 24/7 all by myself. I'm not going to lie, it's hard at times but it is all so worth it!

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  3. Is having children, even in the traditional nuclear family way, logical? But like Shannon said, it is totally worth it.

    I understand where you're coming from with your feelings that you're making a selfish chice...but being a single mom by choice is the farthest thing from selfish. There aren't any SMCs out there I know that I would label selfish. Brave? yes Kind? yes Determined? yes I could cgo on & on but you get my point. Choosing to love & nurture & raise a child is far from selfish. Choosing to do it alone, to put the needs of a child before your own, is especially selfless.

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