I had a revelation tonight so I'm compelled to write to help myself make sense of it.
I recently started seeing my counselor again (long story short I was in a major car accident and suffered with a bout of PTSD because of it) and have kept going even now that almost all my accident-related issues have subsided.
Tonight we revisited this plan of mine to be a single mother by choice. I think about it pretty much every single day. I toggle between the fun stuff like decorating the nursery, picking names, sonogram appointments, play dates, vacations, etc and the terrifying stuff like the actual process it'll take to get pregnant (and the chance it won't happen), being alone/tired/financially strapped, being a bad parent, not knowing what to say to my kid about his/her father, etc.
If I get stuck in the terrifying stuff for too long, then things get really distorted. I am drowned in my own self-doubt and end up telling myself "You can't do this." And I believe it.
But thankfully I have things that "reset" me. Reading blogs is the biggest and most consistent thing for me. I can't tell you how much it normalizes everything. If someone picked up my Kindle and looked at my blogfeed, the single mother blogs and married mother blogs would look no different. I need that reminder that I'm not entering some alien universe by having a baby by myself.
So tonight we discussed this struggle. This back and forth of feeling like this decision is the most natural thing in the world to the feeling that I am the most ridiculous person in the world to even consider it.
So like most post-therapy nights go, things brew a little while I process everything. I'm standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth and out of nowhere that little voice in my head goes "If you were married right now, would you be bashing yourself about being ready to be a mom the way you do now? Would you pull out every insecurity you have about yourself and use it as a reason NOT to be a mom? How in the world does it make sense in your mind that you are not capable at this very moment because you don't have a husband but yet you would be capable at this very moment if you did have one?"
And just like that, I blew my own mind.
It doesn't make sense. TAKE THAT IRRATIONAL FEARS! There is absolutely no reason for me to be tearing myself apart the way I'm doing because I know that if I was married and actively trying to get pregnant, I would not be thinking about all the reasons I shouldn't do it. It would just be what it was... me trying to do the only thing I've ever wanted.
And that's exactly what it should be for this me; the me that's not married but is the exact same person she would be if there was a ring on a certain finger.