Friday, July 24, 2015

Thought Vomit

I have been overwhelmed with thousands upon thousands of thoughts these last few weeks as I apparently have opened some metaphorical floodgate about my journey to become a mom. So in hopes of being able to fall asleep tonight in a time frame somewhere south of four hours, I just need to move the thoughts out.

  • So apparently sperm is going to cost $1000 per IUI. Ummm, the clinic I plan to use doesn't even charge that much for Clomid, HCG and the actual IUI procedure. One teaspoon of baby juice for $1000?! Oy.
  • This car accident may be the best thing that has ever happened to me. My friend who used to be an insurance adjuster said they should offer me no less than a $10,000 settlement but it could be upwards of $15 or $20k if I play my cards right. Even the lowest estimated settlement amount is going to basically get me to the $25k I've determined needs to be my "baby-raising" money during daycare years. I will likely be spending more than I'm bringing in during that time so that will provide me a nice cushion.
  • Daycare is freaking expensive. $1100 a month? My mortgage isn't even that much. 
  • I love my OBGYN. Had my annual with her yesterday and she remembered the conversation we had last year (I've only been going to her for 3 yrs and she probably has thousands of patients) but it made me feel so loved and grateful for her. She asked me about it and reminded me that she's there to support me whatever decision I make.
  • While waiting for my OBGYN (because I don't think there is one that exists that actually sees you within 30 minutes of your actual appointment time) thoughts started creeping in of procedures and ultrasounds and medical conversations and I got so overwhelmed with fear. This is such a scary thing to decide to do!
  • I had a minor freakout when I got my benefits packet from my employer this week. They are offering this new plan that has exceptional coverage and my OBGYN is the only one out of all of my docs that isn't on it. Shit.
  • I drove myself crazy last night with numbers. My spreadsheet would make a grown man cry but I have calculated that it is still better for me to stay on my high deductible plan with a (relatively) healthy kid up to 20 doctor visits a year (based on my best guess of how much it'd cost because I have no co-pays). After that then I start going in the red.
  • I have been hidden pinning nursery things on Pinterest and I am going CRAZY because both of my extra rooms in my house are empty and I feel this primal urge to start buying things that I can pass off as just normal decorations that are really nursery decorations. Then I can sit in that room and just let the hope flood my heart. 
  • I cannot stop staring at my bare stomach. I lost almost 100 lbs my senior year in college and it just wrecked my skin. I honestly embraced that flaw about my body because it reminds me what I did. I have never given it a negative thought. But now I have pulled, tucked and stretched it every which way because I am fascinated about the idea of being pregnant and terrified that I am going to have the ugliest belly because of the damage to my skin and how the remaining fat has collected there. 
  • I don't know if it'll do much 10 years after the fact but I've started going back to the gym and have been hitting the weights in an effort to lose the remaining belly fat I still have and hopefully tone my stomach in a way that will allow it to grow normally.
  • It's looking more and more like I will be ready to start trying in June 2017. It's the smartest decision as it gives me two more years to save plus I can get my new car paid off in 28 months which will be necessary for me to stay on my budget during daycare years. 
  • I can't tell you how many times I have counted on my fingers when I will be due if I get pregnant in June, July or August. I have decided that those will be the only months I try for the first time around. It's summer vacation so there will be no explaining absences at work. That sets delivery around April, May or June and will require me to use little to no vacation days for maternity leave; which is good because I had to use an entire years worth because of the car accident. Lame.
  • My co-worker at school just announced her first pregnancy on FB. Since then I have been fantasizing about my Facebook reveal. The timing would need to be right (getting pregnant in August as opposed to June) so it would be more of a "surprise" as I'd be less likely to look pregnant but my birthday is in the first week of November so it'd be a sonogram picture marked "Due April/May/June 2018" and something to the effect of "It may be my birthday but there's one present I can't open just yet."
  • Right now I am thinking I won't find out the sex. I read an article the other day about this and the last point spoke to me. "If you had your heart set on a girl or a boy and you find out it's not, it's human nature to be disappointed even if just for a split second. But if you don't know going in, and you find out at the same time you see him/her, it won't matter at all because you will be so in love." I do have a preference and I don't ever want to admit I was disappointed about anything in relation to whatever child I get. 
  • Oh and labor? Labor scares me. It just seems impossible to pass something that big out of something so small. 
  • And a two to six-week period with no tampon usage? That sounds awful. Almost as bad as labor.
  • What if it doesn't work? What if I use Clomid and have great eggs and trigger like a champ and time the IUI's perfectly but it still doesn't work? I know everyone goes into this hoping it'll happen for them the first time, but probably expecting maybe 3 or 4 times. But then there's people who do it 6 or 7 times and they have to move to IVF. I can honestly say I don't want to do IVF. 
  • I've daydreamed taking my first pregnancy test and it being positive. I'll buy like three different kinds and take them all at the same time, leave the bathroom, go sit and wait in my "hope room" aka the nursery that is masquerading as just a normal room, then walk back in and see it. And this feeling I don't even know what it feels like yet will wash over me. I'll text pictures to my mom, my best friend and my counselor; for they are the ones I have entrusted with this "secret" of mine and they will be the ones I will share the amazingness with. 

Oh hey there happy tear rolling down my cheek and beams of light bursting from my heart. Maybe that's a preview of what that feeling will be like. 

1 comment:

  1. I hope it helps to know that all of your thoughts are very normal & think most of us have had them, or variations of them, in this journey. Thinking happy thoughts for you!