Sunday, September 6, 2015

Choices

For lack of a better word, I've been struggling with what choice is best for me lately. 

Another school year has started which has left me exhausted most days but this has been the easiest transition back so I am thankful for that. My team lead is pregnant after years of trying and fertility treatments so it has been fun to hear all her stories and just sit back and watch as she grows into a mom.

What I didn't expect is a sharp shift in my thinking. I have many friends who are pregnant and or/just had babies. I also, surprisingly, have many friends who have recently started fostering babies and children. I also read many blog of married people trying to TTC, SMC's TTC and SMC's in general. I read a LOT. And that could be my downfall. 

I tend to gravitate what I call "catastrophe brain" where in my brain every situation automatically is processed with the worst case scenario in mind. I focus on everything that is scary, awful and/or could go wrong. So when I read stories about childbirth, breastfeeding, colic, genetic disorders, miscarriage, trouble TTCing, post-partum depression, premature birth (the list goes on and on) it goes on this little list in my mind as "Hasn't yet but WILL happen to me". It makes motherhood terrifying. 

Another thing that I have recently had a really hard time with is the idea of "giving up" my body for the sake of pregnancy. For my entire life I have dreamed of what it would be like to be pregnant. I am just fascinated by it. I think it is amazing that my body is capable of it. But lately the idea of it is scary. In the past, losing control of how my body was being used is something that brought nothing but fear. I never really viewed pregnancy and childbirth that way but on some level, it is. I also am terrified of gaining weight. I dropped close to 100 lbs in college and have kept it off for almost 10 years. In the years since I have tied my emotions to my weight. I was fat and unhappy, so skinny must equal happy. And to some degree that is true. But I have tied my success of keeping the weight off to my worthiness so the idea of gaining at minimum 20 lbs but upwards of 50 or god forbid 75 lbs (again, reading stories is not good for me) makes me panic. Losing control of my ability to keep my weight in check is scary. 

So all that being said, I've been watching my friends who are fostering and wondering why this isn't my plan. I could bypass all the time, energy, money, emotions and fears I have of pregnancy (see above) and childbirth (we'd need a whole 'nother post just for that) and go straight to a baby. Straight to a situation where I could (for lack of a better word) dictate what I want (age, race, sex, etc) in a way that that having your own baby doesn't offer. I could use all this money I've saved to RAISE a child. Go on vacations, start a college fund, buy toys and clothes and fun things. I could save a child from the cycle of poverty and crime. It all makes logical sense... yet I just can't seem to accept this as my choice. 

And I can't accept TTCing yet either. 

Clearly I have my $h!t together.

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