Not even sure how long it's been since my last post. No clue if anyone even reads this but right now it's not any sort of cliffhanging material so I can't blame people for not hanging on my every word. Just living life, waiting for the right time.
It's crazy how almost everything now is looked at through the lens of future motherhood. Many decisions I make now involve any unforeseen or previously unimportant aspects being reviewed to make sure I am still keeping myself on track for motherhood. When? No clue. My original plan was next summer but now that this summer is already almost here I am a bit freaked by that!
Not why I'm writing today though. Yesterday my friend and co-worker asked me to stop by her classroom before I left for the day. Her husband works for a big financial company that works with insurance companies and he had a job opening that made him think of me. I love numbers, spreadsheets and math in general (hence the math teacher thing, but I digress...) Anyway, I had vented some frustrations to her last year when we had a huge upheaval in our department and I was miserable. I jokingly told her to tell her husband to keep me in mind for any jobs that would fit well with my background. Well she remembered and her husband wants to me to interview. The job starts at the salary I've taken 10 years in my current job to get to with a much greater chance of raises and bonuses, better benefits, etc. Teaching tends to increase my pay $100/paycheck each new school year (PAAAAARTAAY!) and my benefits are just god awful.She told me there was no pressure but then told me I really should think about it and if it fits with my long-term plans. She talked about advancement, having better pay and benefits support and eventual retirement not having any idea that single motherhood is actually the biggest thing that fuels my decisions these days.
So naturally I called my mom and talked it out. I texted a friend and talked it out. Both are the most level headed and non-impulsive people I trust with things like this. Both had pretty much the same message (my mom being the only one who currently knows about my motherhood plan): follow your gut.
My gut immediately reacted after I left yesterday. I would HATE an office job. I need stimulation. I need a structured day. I need awkward, hormonal and immature teenagers cutting jokes and making me laugh on a daily basis. I cannot fathom doing a job that doesn't bring me joy. I understand that it's not important for some people that work is a fulfilling thing in their lives but for me, it is. I LOVE my job. I make a difference in my job. No way would I be doing that if I decided to take this job. I almost started crying as I walked back to my room to grab my purse. The idea of leaving the classroom pained me. Teaching is who I am. It is my calling.
And yet I still feel compelled to justify my own decision/life's purpose to myself because the financial aspect of this opportunity is the "smarter" decision given my path to SMC. Money is the biggest limiter and aspect of SMC that offers me little to no control currently. Having a baby will put a huge strain on my finances. A higher paying job would fix a lot of the things that are preventing me from jumping in now and a lot of stress in the future. I'm having to be much more methodical with my expenses and save as much as I can each month to create a "fund" for myself once that time comes. It's hard when that one thing that you had no control over now suddenly becomes something that could not be an issue.
But today as I was driving home I asked myself "Would I tell my child to not do something they love because they could make more money doing something they don't?" And the answer was no. I don't want to ever be able to say I chose money over purpose. The plan always was to make this work on a teacher's salary anyway, so why all of a sudden do I need a different job for this plan to work?