Thursday, June 23, 2016

Clarity

Clarity is one of the things that has been very fleeting throughout this whole experience of prepping for motherhood via the SMC route. I would imagine a lot of it is because I am still keeping this plan close to the vest; only directly sharing with my mom, cousin and counselor (V) and indirectly discussing once in a passing conversation with my best friends (a married couple). I am almost ready to discuss this with them.

Logically I know they will love me no matter what I decide (they are basically more like my brother and sister than just best friends) but I was overwhelmed with the fear that they would judge me or wouldn't understand why I was making this choice. It has prevented me from saying anything to them which I know has stunted my growth in so many ways. They are amazing parents. They have already taught me so much in the last 7 years as I have silently witnessed them parent and raise these two unbelievable boys whom I love so much. But in silently observing all this, I know I've missed out on so many conversations and lessons that I will never be able to tap into specifically again. I know that once I share this with them I will grow so much with such a simple step.

The biggest benefit that is going to come with shedding a layer of secrecy, and with it, shame, is that I will start to combat the thing that I've struggled with consistently since this whole idea started forming in my mind years ago: Am I worthy of this?

I've sat the last 3 or so years with this question and very little to counter the fear that I was headed down this path for the wrong reason. The fear quickly became "Am I doing this because I really want it or because I don't want to be alone?" I struggled with feeling selfish as a result and the shame combined with having no one to talk to about it just compounded the notion. But in talking with V today, she provided me with a table turner: "Why does it have to be one or the other? Can it not be a little bit of both? Married couples choose to have children because they want to build a family. We are human. It is our natural instinct to be with people, around people and love people. That doesn't change for you because you are single. You can really want this and not want to be alone at the same time."

So simple. So clear. AND SO FREEING.

And it is with this newfound clarity that I continue moving forward in this journey to see where it takes me next.