It's a little wild to go back and read these posts over the last few years and "see" the roller coaster that has been this secret journey I've been on. I chuckle because after doing some other writing tonight, I logged on just to see how long it had been since I posted last and am feeling a bit better now that I did. It sounds a little strange but I had convinced myself that the last couple times I posted I was dead set on one thing, one thought and one decision and it was nice to see that I was recalling incorrectly and could cut myself some slack.
It has been hard to tag along on this journey waiting for my heart to decide what it wants. There are so many thoughts, feelings and decisions that have to go into picking a path and it is exhausting to try and contemplate most, if not all of them on a daily/weekly basis and still not know what the right path is.
It's exhausting. It's confusing. It's disheartening. Because it has been so much waiting, I've started to wonder if it means I don't really want this. It has added the additional worry of doubt which is not going to make the process any easier.
But as I sat here trying to form the words above, I realized that with the other big changes in my life, I had a definitive moment when I knew it was time to take the plunge and I never hesitated. My major in college, weight loss, deciding what to do after college, when it was time to buy my house, when I decided to foster (animals). All of these things were big changes and the majority required some thought, planning and emotional work before I knew the time was right. I'm holding onto the hope that I just am not supposed to know the answer yet.